Remembrance

November always puts me in a state of sadness and remembrance, but this year it’s not just for my losses. This year I feel for all those around the world who are learning to live without their loved ones as well.

I feel for those who wake up everyday and are reminded that life is no longer the same. I feel for those who might not even realize that everything has changed yet. I feel for those who are in a state of shock. I feel for those who will also associate a season, a month, the holidays with loss from now on. I feel for those who continue to be surrounded by losses just because of where they live.

I also think about the insanity that makes it possible for someone to take a live or multiple lives. I am not referring to mental illness here, I am referring to not being sane. I am reminded of something a friend of mine told me back in 2006. He had lost his sister to murder years earlier, so he was able to understand what I was going through. In talking about how anyone could take another life, he said that there was no way a sane person could ever understand why someone murders people because if they were in a sane state of mind, then they would not be able to make that choice. I agree with him on that. The question we have to answer then is why, what is it that prompts the insanity? There are many things that can lead to that, some of which may take many years to change, but if we want the changes to happen, we have to start asking different questions, not just blaming the same things and then moving on.

As for me, I continue to try to escape the sadness I feel this time of year. It is different and better in some ways, but it is also harder in some ways. This year brought an accomplishment that I am very proud of and that I thought probably would never happen. It also brings a major development for my oldest child that is very positive. I can’t express the pain that comes with the renewed realization that we can’t celebrate with one of the most important people of our lives. I know that live will go on and that the pain will be less again, but right now I’m just trying to hold on, to do things that remind me to smile.

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