Have you ever gone through one of those periods where you desperately need to talk to the person or people who matter the most to you, but every time you try it just seems to make everything worse? Do you know what it feels like to be trying to have a simple conversation with someone and not even get a response from them? Do you know what it’s like to feel like you are damned if you do, but also damned if you don’t?
All of those explain how I have been feeling lately, and I don’t know how to fix it anymore. The one person in my life who I should be able to share everything with seems to shut down every time we talk. He says he feels like he cant say anything right, but I have tried many times to tell him that he doesn’t. I don’t know what else to say to him anymore, how to make him understand that the worst thing he can do is keep shutting down.
Then there are the times when he says that when I get emotional, it just makes him feel like he’s doing everything wrong. Or when I’m talking to him about my job, and he tells me that hearing about it stresses him out. Those are the times that I want to yell and scream at him, that I want to say I’m sorry I’m human, I’m sorry I’m emotional, maybe I should just shut down like him. Those are the times that I want to say fine, I’ll stop talking to him, I’ll push all my emotions down, and make myself numb again, but he better be ready to deal with the aftermath of that.
The worst part of all of this is that I’m very sure he doesn’t even begin to realize how much I am not saying, and that it is those things that truly affect me, that keep sending me back down the proverbial rabbit hole. He never asks about those things either, like he things if they don’t get talked about they will just go away. How can he not see that I need to know that he is actually paying attention, that he cares? How can he not realize that by avoiding the small conversations it makes the big one that much worse?
I don’t know what to do anymore, it seems like no matter what gets said, we still end up back in the same place. He says that it seems like he makes everything worse, and I try to tell him that he’s wrong, that most of the time he makes everything better, but he doesn’t seem to be able to hear it. Maybe he’s right, maybe we’re fighting for something that doesn’t exist anymore, or maybe he just doesn’t care enough. Maybe he really is a heartless jerk who can’t handle other people’s feelings. All I know for sure right now is that if we fall apart, everything else will fall apart also.
Before anyone says it, we are not co-dependent. But when you have to cut the amount of people out of your life that I have in the last year, it takes awhile to build your support system back up. For me, it also becomes very hard to feel like it’s okay to talk to less significant people when those who are most significant to you don’t seem to be able to handle what you have to say.
I wish there was some magic pill that could make me like what I see in the mirror again, that could make me forget all my issues, that could make other people listen when I need them to, that could give all of us the right words all the time, but there isn’t. Life is messy, life hurts, but life can also be wonderful, and love can heal, we just have to figure out how to hold on.
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