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Sometimes I envy my single friends because they have the freedom that can come from living alone. That is something that I have never experienced in my life, and lately there is a part of me that wishes I could experience it.

I know that part of my desire to live alone is having the freedom to eat only the amount or foods that feels safe to me at any given time. I would also have the freedom to exercise whenever and as much as I wanted to, or to spend the whole day in bed if that was what I felt like doing that day. I know that those desires are not healthy, but they impact me still.

My children also impact my desire to live alone, not because I want to live without them, but because I worry about how my issues are impacting them. I have done my best to keep my feelings about my body from impacting how they feel about their body, and I do actually believe that I have succeeded as much as is possible. It’s the things behind the eating disorder that concern me most. I know that there are days when everything is overwhelming me and my mood is awful, and that no matter how much I try, I can’t change it. I know that on those days my girls are affected by it also, which often makes me feel like they would be better off without me. My beautiful amazing daughters are the best gifts I have ever been given, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do to keep them from going through everything I have gone through, even if that meant letting go of them.

Then there is my husband, who lately has been like a double-edged sword for me. At the same time that he can be the best thing for me, he can also send me on a downward spiral. Sometimes, I feel like there is nothing left for us anymore, like there is no love there anymore, and that we can’t get it back. Most of the issues we have are recurring issues, but I’m not sure I have the energy to keep trying to improve them anymore. Lately, I wonder if it would be healthier for me to just be able to focus on myself instead of having try to fix my issues and the issues in my marriage at the same time.

cuando estamos solos en nuestro camino, entonces nos damos cuenta de lo que somos

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3 thoughts on “

  1. My thoughts after reading your post: 1) As a former foster parent, I know how important it is to kids for them to be with their parents. Kids want to be with their parents despite the issues. Even if those issues are truly terrible. 2) Families are where we learn life skills–like how to forgive. Parents forgive their kids; kids forgive their parents; spouses forgive each other. Just yesterday my husband was explaining to our kids that we’ve made many mistakes and they have to forgive us because we’re doing our best. So I say it’s good for kids to live with imperfect parents. It prepares them for when they’ll have to forgive their own children 🙂 3) I went to a church seminar on depression. The lecturer stressed how hard it is to live with a person who has depression. I would assume it is hard to live with anyone with some form of chronic disease. I know my husband struggles with my arthritis and the extra burden it places on him. We’ve got to cut our husbands some slack. I gotta give my husband props for sticking by me and loving me anyways because I know I’m hard to live with. 4) It sound like you are describing a treatment center. It would give you a place to safely focus on yourself without permanently separating from your family. It that an option?

    • Thanx for the thoughts, Catherine. Another friend of mine told me the same thing about my kids, and rationally, I know that both of you are right, sometimes it’s just harder to ignore the voice in my head that tells me they would be better off without me. After writing this post, my husband and I had a couple different conversations that helped me feel somewhat better. I know that these thoughts and feelings are all part of the process of recovering, so I’m not doing anything drastic without being very sure it is the best option for everyone in my family.

  2. Happy to see your comment. I’m glad you have this blog so that you can vent and express some of life’s frustrations. I know a lot of people, myself included, that can relate.

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