Sometimes I envy my single friends because they have the freedom that can come from living alone. That is something that I have never experienced in my life, and lately there is a part of me that wishes I could experience it.
I know that part of my desire to live alone is having the freedom to eat only the amount or foods that feels safe to me at any given time. I would also have the freedom to exercise whenever and as much as I wanted to, or to spend the whole day in bed if that was what I felt like doing that day. I know that those desires are not healthy, but they impact me still.
My children also impact my desire to live alone, not because I want to live without them, but because I worry about how my issues are impacting them. I have done my best to keep my feelings about my body from impacting how they feel about their body, and I do actually believe that I have succeeded as much as is possible. It’s the things behind the eating disorder that concern me most. I know that there are days when everything is overwhelming me and my mood is awful, and that no matter how much I try, I can’t change it. I know that on those days my girls are affected by it also, which often makes me feel like they would be better off without me. My beautiful amazing daughters are the best gifts I have ever been given, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do to keep them from going through everything I have gone through, even if that meant letting go of them.
Then there is my husband, who lately has been like a double-edged sword for me. At the same time that he can be the best thing for me, he can also send me on a downward spiral. Sometimes, I feel like there is nothing left for us anymore, like there is no love there anymore, and that we can’t get it back. Most of the issues we have are recurring issues, but I’m not sure I have the energy to keep trying to improve them anymore. Lately, I wonder if it would be healthier for me to just be able to focus on myself instead of having try to fix my issues and the issues in my marriage at the same time.
cuando estamos solos en nuestro camino, entonces nos damos cuenta de lo que somos